


The Final Words

by Punkie



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Valoris, sad boy hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 05:09:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19244473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Punkie/pseuds/Punkie
Summary: A couple of letters passed between Valery and Boris after the events of episode 5. The final contact the two have with each other.





	1. Addressed to the residence of Valery Legasov

**Author's Note:**

> Just a concept of Boris and Valery exchanging letters in secret before the two of them had died. I didn't like the idea that Valery was completely secluded and not allowed to contact anyone ever again, and would like to imagine that somehow the two were able to be in contact with each other one last time so they'd have a bit more peace with one another.

January, 1988.

Valera, 

I know your first thought when opening this is how stupid I must be for even attempting to write to you after strict orders to never have contact with me again. I know that you must think it's a dangerous idea that shouldn't have happened, but since that day I've had a lot of thinking to do myself, and one of the things I've realized is that the definition of "danger" has been completely redefined for us. 

I think you said it best in court when you said we're already standing on dangerous grounds, that we've been on these dangerous grounds ever since the disaster happened, and I don't see that as much different now. Ever since that explosion happened, me and you have been damned to always be on dangerous grounds, and that applies here as well. Besides, with radiation sickness slowly killing us, none of the danger is going to matter anyways. I think that danger has no meaning for dying men, as there's nothing left to take.

I've had a lot of time to think since the trial, and a lot of time to make realizations. Despite our last conversation, I can't help but think about how much of a fool I was for allowing myself to be fooled over by the state and just become one of their tools. How I took the authority they gave me as something actually meaningful and important, rather than just a death sentence. You'd think that the people involved in the political game would know how it's played the best, but I was blind when it came to myself. After working for so long, I thought I had genuine allies, genuine friends and colleagues that respected me and my well being. It's a hard thing, devoting your whole life to a cause that would dispose of you in a moment for their own advantages. Living your whole life our believing you're important for something, but were just there to be a tool that is easily replaced in the eyes of the state. 

I know when we spoke last, I told you it was all for nothing, and back there I may have thought that, but I think I've changed my mind on that. Despite how terrible it is, I think I'd rather realize what I did about the state than to continue working for them under the idea that they actually respect me. I think I'm glad to be bitter with them, and I'd rather die hating them than to believe they were anything good to me. 

More importantly though, all of it was worth it if only for the fact that I would have met you, the most important person I'll ever come across. I suppose our fates are unfortunate, but I don't think that the disaster would have been handled quite the way it had if anyone but me and you were put onto the job. You added something into the solution that no one else had really considered - humanity. Having empathy, emotion for the people, and handling it not just merely on a political basis is what made this happen. I know I didn't start off as the best man, and I can say that I was just like every other bastard of the state when I began this with you, but I think I can say I changed by the end of it. I'm sorry that you couldn't be heard when you needed resources to fix this, but I'm thankful I had the capacity to listen to you and do what I could to get them for you. They may not have listened, but I heard you every time, and I think that's worth something. So yes, we will both suffer and die from this, but because it was us and no one else, I think we did a better job than anyone else would have. 

On a more selfish note, I would go as far to say that this was all worth it just to have been your friend. At the end of it all, I've realized that everyone I've ever known to be my friends and colleagues have been nothing but a lie, and that leaves me with almost nothing. It leaves me alone, without any reason, just a dying man with no legacy and no one who cares about. But you, Valera, have somehow become my closest friend through it all. Despite how I treated you at the beginning, you still always insisted on doing what you believed was the right thing, and you stuck with me through it all. 

When I began my political career, I lost a lot of my humanity, the kind that makes it so that you value the politics over the human lives. The kind that tears away your emotion and empathy for other humans, the kind that turns a person into a machine rather than a human. Working with you has changed me, made me remember how important those things are, how regardless of how much it seems like it's gone, we all have that deep inside us somewhere. For a very long time, it was buried in me, so much so that I think I had forgotten about it completely. Working with you has given me something back that the state took from me long ago. You, Valera Legasov, have given me my humanity. For that reason alone I'd say that this wasn't for nothing. 

At the end of it all, I've lost everyone, lost everything, and I'll die a man that more than likely will be erased from history and forgotten rather than honored for my actions. However, I can rest easy knowing that I'll always have you as a genuine friend who respects me, and I believe that goes far beyond whatever title I have. Which reminds me, I find it laughable that they assigned me to be the man in control of this disaster, when it really should have been you all along.

I know that you've probably had a lot on your mind since the trial as well, and I know you've probably had many ideas for what your next course of action should be. As I've said, for men who are dying, there's nothing left to lose, which leave you with many options of what you can do despite your current state. I know that some of your ideas more than likely aren't ideal, some of them I'd probably shout at you about how terrible I thought they were, but that's not what I'm going to do right now. This is a letter to say that in any case, whatever you decide to do, you have my support no matter what. I don't know if that means anything to you, but I hope at the very least you can rest easy that whatever path you take in the future you'll still have me there with you, rooting you on as I've been trying to this whole time. 

I also know that you're probably worried that everything you've done will have been for nothing, that you risked everything just to be ignored. I want you to know that it isn't - it's not quite there yet, but the state is uneasy, your science colleagues are restless, and I believe that it won't be long before those reforms you fought for will be pushed. This entire time you've told me that you've always spoken only for no one to listen, but I can tell you with certainty that you were heard very loudly in that courtroom, and that it won't be the last time you were heard. Your colleagues will be sure to keep your voice alive, even if you're not allowed to speak on it anymore. The state can try all they'd like, but they cannot silence everyone. 

This letter is a courtesy call Valera, letting you know that your choices and actions will change the world, and that's one thing that cannot ever be taken from you. I hope that at the very least, this will give you some peace to your heart that I know is wary right now. 

I hope you receive this letter well, and I hope to hear from you. 

Thank you for everything, commander Valera, I am forever grateful that I had the honor of knowing you and the honor of calling you my closest friend before I died. 

Forever a piece of my humanity, your friend  
\- Boris Shcherbina


	2. Addressed to the residence of Boris Shcherbina

April 1988. 

Boris, 

Apologies for how long it took this letter to get to you, I've waited until the last moment to send it. It was too high of risk to send it any sooner, I needed to finish some things. If the state finds out about the letter now, it won't matter as my job is now done, and I've got nothing left to give. 

Your courtesy call was much needed and appreciated. I won't lie, despite the dangers involved with you sending it to me, I couldn't help but smile imagining you doing it out of stubbornness, bitterness and spite out of the state. Nothing else quite says Boris than defying anyone who tries telling him what he can and cannot do. I know you tried to play it off as if it were simply because you're dying, and there's no risk for a man who is dying, but I believe you would have sent that out even if you were in perfectly good health. 

You were correct, my heart has been wary and I've had a lot on my mind. You aren't the only one meant to reflect on things, even if we both come to different realizations by the end of it all. For me, it feels as though I've been cursed I suppose. I was meant to be a scientist, I wasn't meant for everything that has happened with the Chernobyl disaster. I wasn't meant for politics and fighting with the state, and I was never meant to become the man I have become. I feel as though I've been brought to this fate by force, without any saying in how it turned out. I was brought onto the team to fix the problems without any saying in the matter, and because of it I've ended up here. 

Some might try and say I've brought it upon myself, that if I'd just kept my mouth shut and not spoken the truth I wouldn't be in my situation. That I'd still be seen as a respected scientist, showered in badges of honor for what I've done, and that I could live out a happy life. That because of me speaking out, and because it was my choice to do so, it's my fault that I'm doomed to be a man who no one ever knows about. It's not my fault though, it's the fault of the state. They brought me on the team knowing I wasn't a politician, and as much as I tried to deny I wouldn't say anything at that trial, I think that in any scenario I would have done the same thing. You're right when you say I have humanity in me, and that sets me apart from the rest of them, and if I hadn't spoken the truth that day then I suppose the state would have taken my humanity away as well. It's their fault that Chernobyl happened, and it's their fault that I'm in this situation. 

You give me too much credit for having changed you and acting as though I'm a perfect man. For me, I was doing what I've always known, what I've always done, but it wasn't the case for you. You had much more at stake, and you had yourself to fight against through this. To fight against what you believe to be true, to fight against what you've always been and come out on the other side a good man, that it something truly remarkable. All of those politicians will be nothing more than that word alone, but you decided you wouldn't be that. You allowed yourself to see what was good and right, and fought against quite literally everything you knew in order to get to that point. Know that I did not give you your humanity back, that it was with you all along, and you were able to find it again on your own. 

You've given me things as well, whether you see it or not. I'll never be one of the state, a tool or a politician, but you taught me a lot about how to fight back. I wouldn't call myself a coward by any means, but at the beginning of this I felt completely out of place with every action and every word I spoke. You gave me what I needed in order to stand up against them, to tell the truth and do what is right, regardless of ranking or what happened to me afterwards. I can say genuinely that I couldn't have made it this far without you, and that your help is what salvaged the disaster. I agree with you, if it had been anyone else but the two of us, that things wouldn't have turned out the way they hadn't, but know that we equally played a part in making it happen, and without one or the other of the two of us, it couldn't have happened. 

I must apologize deeply in advanced, it's time for the hard part. Possibly the most difficult part of this entire journey. Regretfully, this will be the final words ever from me, and that is inclusive of written or spoken. I know you saw this coming, as you've mentioned that you know I likely had some not ideal plans in my head for what comes next, I just wish you had been wrong. 

My sickness only grows worse, I know I have more time than you but death is inevitable for me. The state has taken away everything from me - my job, my reputation, they've even taken away the few people who matter the most from me, which is inclusive of you. They intend on taking my name and memory from me once I'm gone too, and so I'm in a position where if I allow myself to continue on, I'll have nothing by the end of it. Ever since I was brought onto the Chernobyl disaster, I've not gotten a single choice for myself really. Everything has been decided for me, and that's not inclusive of my death to the sickness and how I currently live my personal life. I've decided that I refuse to allow this disaster to win, I refuse to let the state win, and that I'd like one final choice for myself. The only thing I have left is my own life, and I've decided that I will end it on my own terms. 

Of course, it's much more than just my own personal battle. Yes, taking my own life will be a statement for myself that I made my own choice in the matter without anyone else making it for me, but it's much more than just that. I cannot put the details of it here, but I've been working on something for some time now. You said that the state is uneasy and that my colleagues are restless, that they need a final push in order for the reform to happen. I've done something that I hope will be that final push needed, and it's what I needed to finish before I could send you this letter. When I take my life, I have hopes that it will be realized just how significant things really were. Even if I won't have a legacy written in history, badges of honor and respect, I hope I'll have a legacy in the the shape of the reforms that happen, and I think that will be enough for me. 

 

It's actually rather ironic, you said to me that you thought this was all for nothing, and lately I've been thinking that for myself as well. I've been thinking about how no matter how hard I tried, that I will die for nothing to have changed. That my words won't be remembered, that my attempts, even in these final times, will have done nothing. While it's true a man who is destined to die has nothing left to lose, it's a frightening thing thinking that you'll die as if you never existed, and that you left nothing behind. Your written words have given me something very special though, another thing that they'll never be able to take from me - hope. While it's true I'll never know what happens after I'm gone, I at least have hope now that something will come of all this. That my attempts won't be for nothing, and that somehow in some was I'll leave behind something good. 

Though everything for me right now is uncertain, I can at least be sure to know that my legacy will live on in your memory. That no matter what is said about me, no matter if it all gets pushed away, that I know you'll always remember who I was, what I did, and that you believed in everything I had done. It may not save the world from disaster, but I think it's enough for me to rest easy. I started off thinking that when I take my life, I would be anxious and restless, with no real hope for anything to come. Know that because of you, I've found my peace and will finally be able to rest. 

All of this being said, I leave you with this. The feeling is mutual, you are also the last important person in my life. You are the only person I have left now, I've lost everything else, and I'm honored to have worked with you through this all. Just as you've said, I believe that just having gotten the chance to meet you is good enough for me to say that this wasn't all for nothing. I hope that during the rest of your time, you'll remember me well and keep my memory alive in spirit. I hope that you hold your humanity as tightly as possible until your dying breath, and that you'll appreciate every moment that remains for you. While our legacies may not live on through history, it will live on through each other, and you should rest easy knowing that. Thank you Boris, for allowing me to end my journey with peace of mind. 

With that, I've got nothing left to say. I've spoken everything I must, I've done everything in my power up until the very last moment of my life, there's nothing more to say or do now. Know that after I send this to you, it will be my final words. I will not speak to anyone else, and there's no one left to leave notes or letters for, you are the last one. Honestly, I think I'm happy knowing I used my final words on someone as important as you, and I hope you take it as the highest form of respect and care a person could give for another person. 

As a scientist, I'm inclined to have mixed feelings on topics such as death and what comes after. However, under these circumstances, I'd like to believe that there's something that comes after, so I'm going to hold onto that. Perhaps I can rest easy imagining us meeting up again soon, and for once just sitting and talking like humans, without the immense stress of everything that's happened. If it's the case, I'll be waiting, and I look forward to talking to you soon. 

Until next time, 

\- Valery Legasov


End file.
